And...she's back

Last night, my biffle Holly came over. I know she's a keeper because she remains my best friend even though I insist on using terms like “biffle” regularly. She's doing this show (Becky Shaw, which you should probably go see) in which she plays a character who she insists is NOT “like” me, yet dresses remarkably similarly.

So I dressed Holly from my closet for the show. We made it through the daunting task of me trying to explain to her what I would wear and how I would wear it (“Put this yellow shirt on under that DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT TRUST ME”). We ate. We drank. We talked.

Big Al (as I like to call my boss, the priest) has been OUT. OF. CONTROL this week. Just as a small taste, this week I said the words “No. We absolutely cannot play Kenny G nor a piano version of Stairway to Heaven as the underscore for your video blog”. If you find out that I'm not the only person in the whole world who said that sentence this week, I will challenge you to a duel.

Amidst all his general craziness this week, though, he said something Thursday that stuck with me. Out of nowhere, not related to anything at all, he said,

“You know, sometimes we're so busy looking for the miraculous. We forget that sometimes the ordinary is miraculous”.

So, that's it friends. This week has been AWFUL (not related to Big Al so much as general crazytrain I work on). And then you get what you need. A plain, ordinary night. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing miraculous. Just enjoying life.

...And trying to convince someone (H-Dawg) that, in my fashion world, yellow and pink are both to be treated as neutrals and it's perfectly acceptable. One of these days, you'll catch on. I believe in you and your ability to wear color.

P.S. I've got, like, 4 blog posts going right now. So get ready. I'M BACK.

What It Means...

The other night, I had a dream that my teeth fell out.

Yes. You heard that right. MY. TEETH. FELL. OUT.

One thing you should probably know about me is that I have extremely vivid dreams. Like, the kind where I'll get halfway through my day and truly have to stop and think about whether something actually happened or not. Even though they're very vivid and I almost always remember them, they're not usually BIZARRE. And this one, my friends, was BIZARRE.

So, I did a quick search on www.dreammoods.com, because, obviously, I need a full-time job. Between my research there and some careful reflection, I've decided that this dream must mean one of the following 5 things:

1.  I have anxiety about my appearance and how people perceive me.

Apparently, your teeth are like a mating symbol. Or something. Smiling. Kissing. Necking (did that site really just use the word “necking”? Whatever. I totally don't trust them anymore)

2.  I have an over-exaggerated fear of powerlessness.

Totally possible. I am a control freak. However, the rationale behind this is that teeth are used for gnawing, and I'm not sure I exactly follow their theory. So, maybe not this one.

3.  I'm going through menopause.

Menopausal women frequently dream about their teeth falling out. Who knew? Considering that I'm hot all the time, this is--so far--the most plausible of the options (which, considering that I'm 28, is kind of a sad state of affairs for www.dreammoods.com).

4.  I was exceptionally touched by the James storyline in That Championship Season.

The show's playing tonight at 8:00, tomorrow at 2:00 and next Thursday, Friday and Saturday at Birmingham Festival Theatre.  If you go see it, you'll get to see a couple of my favorite boys pretending like they could possibly have been basketball players, which is kind of funny in and of itself.  It's a really good show, and you should probably go see it, even though I'm almost positive that the teeth falling out was not a primary plot point. But what do I know? Oh yeah, I know musicals. That's what I know.

(Do you like how I totally just worked in a show plug during my blog about teeth falling out? I'm pretty much the best marketer I know...as well as the strangest person.)

5.  I am paying for laughing at a comment made to me in 2003ish.

One night at BSC, my dear and quite hilarious friend Katy looked at me and said “You sound like a black man with no teeth”. I would like to be able to tell you the backstory of why this was said, but I truly don't know.

All I know is that if this dream comes true, I'm 1/3 of the way there.

Every year when I get a new batch of kids...

...I spend some time reflecting on what must go through a parent's mind when naming their child.

I see a lot of kids each week.  I'm really grateful that the family name trend seems to be coming back, cause we've been needing a break from the crazy.  However, there are still a few (see also: A TON) of stragglers who insist on giving their children bizarre, bizarre names with even loopier spellings.

I feel like any parent who thinks they've come up with the "cutest" name for their unborn kid needs to ask themselves the following simple question:

Which one of the following scenarios sounds more likely with this name inserted?


"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the podium our new CEO <insert name here>, who will be working hard to protect the fiscal future of our company!"

or

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, to Pole #7, the hot and sexy <insert name here>, who will be working hard for those dollars!"



An honest answer to that simple question could save so many children from awful, awful names.

Today, I uttered the words...

..."I'm having some birth control drama at Walmart".

I sort of feel like that's only a breath away from "I'm having some baby daddy drama at the Dairy Queen".

It's a slippery slope, my friends. A slippery slope.





P.S.--YES I recognize that this is my second post in a row referring to Walmart.

DON'T JUDGE.

How valuable must something be...

...for you to go after it if it drops in the toilet...AT WALMART.

Today at Walmart, I overheard a girl talking about how her bellybutton ring fell out and landed in the toilet.  It was kind of a weird story, and I was about to stop eavesdropping when the story took a turn for the horrible. Girl with the bellybutton ring admitted loudly and proudly that she went in after it.  Let me repeat that: she went in after it. SHE STUCK HER HAND IN A WALMART TOILET.  She justified her abhorrent actions by saying that she hadn't used it yet, and "body jewelry is, like, super expensive".

So, I started reflecting on the more meaningful questions in life, such how "How valuable must something be for you to go after it if it drops in the Walmart toilet?".

Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves.  There are no wrong answers.  I will probably, however, never touch you again if your answer is valued at less than $200.

Me personally?  If I dropped my UTERUS in a Walmart toilet, I'm not going after it.  But that's just me.